i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
