you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
