Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
