I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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