I'm so fucking centered right now
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
