Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
