wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
