Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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