I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
