We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
