totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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