The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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