God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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