I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
