Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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