My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
