So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
