Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
