you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
