Swine flu. Run for my life!
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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