8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
