half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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