All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The Olympian is in my bed
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize