I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
