I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize