Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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