When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
