I just threw up on my dentist
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
