Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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