Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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