i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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