I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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