i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
