I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
