remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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