My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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