wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize