Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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