i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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