Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Someone came in the potted fern
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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