she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
