two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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