I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
