Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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