So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize