Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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