So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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