I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize