the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she smelled like a LAN party
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
