I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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