hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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