i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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