he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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