He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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