i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
