textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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