I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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