Michael Bay diarrhea
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
