Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
