here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
