I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
