Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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