my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
